Buy books here. Donate through Paypal or here. 🧡🌸
I Will No Longer Look Back
This is the English translation of the poem “Di Na Lilingunin”
“Let’s meet. 8 PM at Starbucks.”
That was the message that slipped in
On my newly bought phone.
Your name wasn’t even saved,
But I knew it was you—
I had long since committed
Every digit of your number to memory.
After all this time—
Ten years, no less—
We had shared a life in fragments,
Weathered trials side by side.
Most of them,
We survived together.
Some,
We buried in silence.
We were classmates once,
Back in college.
Officially, just friends—
That was the version we told the world.
But we grew reckless with honesty
Whenever alcohol loosened our tongues.
Even then, I already knew—
I liked you, fiercely and without restraint.
So my frustration burned
At your clumsy, hesitant attempts.
Until one day,
You messaged me too.
You were still using that old Nokia 5510,
The one you flaunted with pride
Despite its almost comical size.
You said,
“6 PM. Let’s meet.”
We ended up
At Manang Bebang’s tapsilogan.
And there—
You, all nerves and stammering, confessed:
“I—I love you.”
You couldn’t meet my eyes,
But all I managed to say was,
“Damn… if only you knew
How long
I’ve been waiting for you.”
Your face brightened,
As if dawn had broken across it,
And then your lips
Found mine.
That was ten years ago—
The beginning of us.
You even wrote
Countless songs for me.
There were nights you chose
My company
Over your games of DOTA.
And whenever you went home
To your province,
I would cook meals for you to bring,
And search for something thoughtful
To give your mother.
But then—
I moved ahead.
I graduated first.
You stumbled over a subject,
Shifted courses—twice.
I found work before you did.
While you wrestled with your thesis,
I was buried in paperwork
Requested by the Senate.
Then, just last month,
You sent another message:
“Let’s have a break.”
“K,” I replied.
I thought you only meant
A pause—something temporary.
But damn—
You vanished.
Unreachable.
I called and called,
But you never answered. Not once.
And then on Facebook,
You even quoted “Cool Off” by Yeng Constantino.
So I thought,
“What is this—some kind of joke?”
A month passed.
And then—here you were again,
Sending another message,
Asking
For another chance.
“Fine. Let’s meet.”
That was all I said.
My patience had already worn thin
From the careless way you unraveled us.
On the day we met,
I rehearsed it all—
The raised brow,
The folded arms,
The quiet demand: “Explain yourself.”
Composed. Controlled. Untouchable.
But the moment I saw you,
Everything dissolved—
All the anger,
All the hurt—
Gone.
There was a hesitant smile
On your lips,
And somehow,
That alone
Was enough for me.
You cleared your throat,
Your gaze refusing to meet mine,
And what spilled from me instead were
Small, fragile questions:
“How have you been?”
“Have you eaten?”
“How was your day?”
“Did your dog make a mess
In your room again?”
Every word I had prepared
Disappeared without a trace.
Because a thought lingered—
Maybe there’s still something here.
Maybe if I stay quiet,
If I leave things unsaid,
If I pretend nothing broke,
We might still find our way back
To each other.
But you—
You said nothing.
Not a single answer.
You ate in silence,
As if I weren’t even there.
You couldn’t even look me in the eye.
And I found myself wondering
Why we had met at all.
Were you only checking
If there was still an “us”?
Testing the ruins
To see if anything remained?
Did my trying too hard
Irritate you?
Why was there no response?
Why did it feel
Like I was alone in that moment?
It is exhausting, I realized—
Speaking into silence,
Forcing a smile,
Pretending nothing is broken.
And when the night finally ended—
A night heavy with hesitation—
A truth sank deep within me,
A truth I could no longer outrun:
There is no going back.
So when we said our goodbyes,
I offered only a faint, aching smile.
And as I turned away,
I knew—
This time,
I would not look back.